Self-awareness is a virtue…

We’ve all seen her. She’s impossible to miss or ignore – such is the visceral power of the Jumeirah Jane. But for all the spotting you’re doing, have you ever stopped to look within yourself? A very specific type of Dubai expatriate, the new money brand of Western housewife who came here to live the high life and save on spray tans – check with this litmus test.

With a big pinch of salt, and an even bigger pinch of love, here’s our guide to the Jumeirah Jane…

You populate all the midday Pilates/Yoga classes

You walk into Pilates at 10am in the morning, in your Alo workout set, New Balance trainers, a massive Stanley cup in hand filled with unicorn dust-rainbow farts flavoured Humantra/overpriced coffee from one of these new brand of minimalist cafes that hate vowels with a passion, and a massive handbag with some kind of designer monogram on it.

This is the only thing you’re thinking about right now. There are no thoughts preceding or succeeding this one, and the most tragic part of your day will be the fact that the valet at the studio was full.

You drive an SUV; the seats remain largely unused

It’s almost always a Range Rover or a Porsche or a BMW or a Mercedes or a Jeep, and you drive it everywhere, but the seats remain mostly untouched. Why? Because this is not one SUV for a family. No, no, this isn’t a family car. This is a mum wagon for the mum and every other person in your household has a car of their own (we’re just jealous we can’t afford one).

The school run is a war zone (but also not)

The other mums driving in with their SUVs at the morning school runs are your mortal enemies – you share your grievances (the full valet from the day before) but only to talk about how it baffles you that some people cook their own dinner, don’t spend every weekend at one of Dubai’s beach clubs (although check out our list if you can, they’re awesome), wear the same pair of shoes everyday and don’t fly Emirates Business Class to European islands every month. It’s mortifying.

You favourite joke is about maxing out your husband’s credit card

But it will remain a joke, because your husband has a limitless credit card, which you swipe with glee and gumption at every store during your (again) midday shopping sprees at one of the many malls in Dubai. However, that doesn’t stop you from pulling it out at every dinner party you go to, and somehow your girlfriends never see it coming.

Your blender works overtime

You juice/blend everything in sight. Vegetables in every shade of the green spectrum shiver in your presence, and you can only digest peanut butter that comes with a concerning layer of oil on top. White bread is a criminal offense.

You’re consuming half of the world’s avocado production, while your townhouse neighbour polishes off the other half, and you only drink fat-free, diary-free, lactose-free, oil-free, gluten-free, sugar-free, joy-free, happiness-free, zero percent, ultra low-fat skim milk, because how else will you make your organic smoothies and chai tea lattes healthy?

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You casually mention your aesthetician

Before you talk about your nail technician, plastic surgeon, personal trainer and private chef, of course.

You don’t know what a karama is

Or a deira or a nahda or a bur dubai or a qusais or a…

But you’re totally all about the real culture and heritage of Dubai

Of course you are – you went to Fahidi once and had a pani puri. That’s basically all of it.

In all seriousness, we love all Jumeirah Janes and are actually just trying to be you. Teehee.

Images: Pinterest